The Ultimate Battle for the Ultimate Okazaki
by Sheo Darren
Summary: Crack Fic. Yukine kidnaps Tomoya for screen time and espresso loving loving. Now the other Clannad girls have to take him back by the only way they know. Kicking ass and taking names! R&R!


**Denied a story path in the Clannad visual novel, Miyazawa Yukine has decided to get revenge by kidnapping our protagonist!**

**  
**"Okazaki-san, I will faithfully serve you my excellent coffee while reading aloud random lines from various charm magazines."

"An espresso, please," Okazaki Tomoya ordered.

"Haii…"

**  
Now the fate of the Clannad world rests upon the five main heroines of Clannad!**

**Coming from the Furukawa Bakery… Furukawa Nagisa!**

**  
**"I'm Dango Ranger Pink!" the double-cowlick girl declares.

**  
Supported by the rest of the Daikazoku Dango Rangers!**

**  
**"Dango Yellow!" Sanae cheers.

"Dango Blue!" Sunohara Mei (who happened to be visiting at the time) adds.

"Dango Hitode!" Ibuki Fuko, going by her alter ego Isogai Fuko, says.

"Dango Red!" Akio establishes. "Now my harem is complete!"

"Go, go, Dango Rangers!" all of them cheer together.

**  
Mahou Kitsune Shoujo Fujibayashi Kyou!**

**  
**"Pirakuru pirakurururu gyo gyo gyo gyo! I love fish!"

And to the accompaniment of sparkles:

"Sheo, I'm going to punch you until you cry…"

**  
And her twin, Scooter (Borrowed) Card Duelist Fujibayashi Ryou!**

**  
**"I believe in the heart of my cards!"

Followed by:

"This is so embarrassing…"

**  
Superhuman Tsukkomi Ichinose Kotomi!**

**  
**"Let's…. Tsukkomi…. Guys…!"

Yes, there was a pause before the exclamation mark.

Kotomi let loose with a single strum on her borrowed violin.

Yes, she strummed on a violin.

Simon Cowell spontaneously combusted. Hamelin burned. Beck committed suicide. Zentradi died. Protodeviln melted. Vajra exploded. Trombe was overridden. And the Blue Danube flowed red with the blood of all whose ears bled.

Hey, that rhymed. Awesome.

**  
Sakagami Tomoyo! Version Two! Upgraded!**

**  
**"(All VETRONICS activated. All actuators connected. Final activation check. Check complete.)"

"Close hatch," Tomoyo ordered. "Begin configuration to Mode-IV. Bilateral angle, 3.5 degrees. "

"(Roger. Run Mode-IV. BMSA, 3.5. Complete.)"

"Voice changer off," Tomoyo encouraged.

"(Roger. Voice changer off.)"

Blue screens of death filled the monitors. Every electronic item inside the suit shut down.

Tomoyo sighed. "Voice changer on," she muttered.

"(Roger. Voice changer, on.)"

A chubby shape arose in the bathroom.

"(FUMOFFU!!)"

**  
And… last but not least… Final Hitode Tsukai! Fuko!**

**  
**"Hey, wait a minute!" Kyou protested. "You're already with the Dango Rangers!"

"No," Fuko sagely countered. "That was Isogai Fuko. I'm Ibuki Fuko."

"Aren't you one and the same?"

"I can occasionally split into two when the situation needs it, like Okazaki-san does."

"…"

"I can also change into Futaro. If you want to see–"

"Rejected."

**  
The Ultimate Battle for the Ultimate Okazaki**

_A __Clannad __Crack Fic_

**  
Our heroines (and Akio) charge into the records room to save Tomoya!**

**  
**"Yukine-chan!" Nagisa pleaded. "Please return Okazaki-san!"

"I must refuse, Furukawa-san," Yukine said. "You have had two visual novels, mangas, doujins, OVA, anime and the upcoming movie OVA to be with Okazaki-san. It is my turn now to enjoy his company. He is mine now."

"Okay, that's it," Kyou growled. "We'll just have to slap you out of your silliness, then!"

"That is what you think." Yukine brought out two ten-yen coins. "Please take this. Ritafuni kousaka iita... Ritafuni kousaka iita… Ritafuni kousaka iita… DIME SPACE WARP."

**  
A magical worm hole drew our heroines and Akio into its gaping maw! When they landed on their feet, it was to discover they were inside a most ghastly prison!**

**  
**"This is!"

"The gym storage room," Kyou groaned.

"Now you will meet your doom," Yukine pronounced.

"(Fumoffu!)" Tomoyo warned through the voice changer.

Sinister shadows popped out of the woodwork. The frightened Kotomi and Ryou clung to each other in a manner that fan boys would deliberately mistranslate.

"Oniichan!"

"Sunohara-san!"

"There's so many of him!"

"(Fumoffu?)"

"Wait! They're just wearing heart-decorated boxers!"

"Kyah! Hentai! Ecchi!"

"(Fumoffu…)"

"Yeah, I think I'm going to be sick, too…"

"Go, Sunohara-sans," Yukine ordered. "Please crush them beneath you."

A tidal wave of Sunohara Clones leapt for Nagisa, knowing better than to go for the vicious pair of Kyou and Tomoyo.

"Kyah!"

The gym storage room was illuminated by the blue-white glow always accompanying a barrage of Sakagami Tomoyo kicks.

**  
Our heroines and Akio went into action!**

**  
**"Buster Home Run!" Dango Red Akio snarled as he swung his baseball bat.

"Please have some of my bread," Dango Yellow Sanae offered. Those who accepted died horribly.

"Oniichan!" Dango Blue Mei scolded.

Dango Hitode Fuko whistled. An army of her fans descended out of nowhere and began fighting with the Sunohara Clones to battle cries of "Protect Fuko-chan!"

"Dictionary Strike!" Kyou threw the latest 500-page hardbound edition of Webster's.

"I activate a Trap Card!" Ryou announced.

Everyone then fell to their knees, clutching their ears, as a cacophony of wails threatened to bust their eardrums open.

"KOTOMI!!"

"I was playing appropriate battle music."

"You just gave us all status ailments, you traitor!"

"Kyou-san, you're a bully…"

"Starfish Heat!" Ibuki Fuko (who had changed out of her Dango Hitode Ranger costume while no one was looking) called out. Affected Sunohara Clones began fighting with each other over wooden starfish sculptures hidden all over the room.

**  
**"That actually works?" Tomoya observed. He was watching the battle unfold upon the screen of a plasma TV that Yukine had set up for his convenience, while he was seated in a Lazyboy enjoying a Dairy Queen Blizzard. "Brrr, brain freeze…"

**  
Despite their best efforts, the situation slowly became desperate for our heroines and Akio!**

**  
**"This is hopeless!" Kyou swore. "They just keep on coming at us!"

"We have to get out of here!"

"What's the counter for this curse?"

"You need to strip down to the waist and recite 'Curses are nothing to me' thrice," Yukine told them.

"Thank you, Miyazawa-san," Nagisa replied properly.

"You're welcome, Furukawa-san."

"Why is she helping us?" Ryou wondered.

"No way!" Kyou objected. "I am **not** stripping for the readers to drool over!"

"You forgot me!" a masculine voice declared.

The girls looked to the grinning Akio. "I'll do it for my beautiful wife and cute daughter!" He flexed his biceps. "I'll show you my awesome body!"

"Otousan!" the blushing Nagisa exclaimed.

"Akio-san is so cool," Mei applauded.

"Akio, I love you," Sanae cooed.

"I love you, too, Sanae."

"Somehow," Kyou muttered, "That makes me feel even worse than seeing Sunohara in just boxers…"

"(Fumo fumo fu! Fumo fumo fu! Fumo fumo fu!)"

Light flooded the room. The Sunohara Clones screamed as they melted beneath the relentless bombardment of photons.

"Hey!"

"We're saved!"

"Who did that?" Kyou asked.

"(Fumoffu,)" Tomoyo mumbled. Her costume sported cherry-colored cheeks.

Deprived of his chance to show off his (quote) awesome (unquote) bod, Akio sulked in a corner of the storage room.

"Our battle has only begun," Yukine promised. "Now I summon your antitheses to destroy you."

**  
Our heroines and Akio gasp as they face their greatest archenemies!**

**  
**"My bread!" Sanae wept at seeing shelf after shelf of leftover bread. "Why doesn't anyone like my bread?"

"I love them!" Akio frantically assured his wife.

**  
**"Oniichan!"

"Mei-chan… I love you… in a naughty way…"

"Reh? Okazaki-san! I told you not to entertain such scary thoughts!"

"But it's hot!"

**  
**Kyou and Ryou gaped at each other.

"Oneechan?"

"What the heck is this?"

"The one who wins," Tsukine said, "Gets to save Okazaki-san…"

"That's ridiculous! Ryou, don't pay attention to this nut!"

"Oneechan… I'm sorry… but I… I… I want to save Tomoya-kun, too!" Ryou declared.

"Puhi!" Botan squeaked.

**  
**"The bad man in the black trenchcoat," Kotomi whimpered.

"Koi… ware no koi… ware no sekai koi…"

**  
**Ukiya Ayane glared at the Author. "And just **when** are you continuing your Gatekeepers 21 fic?"

"**In due time…"**

"Don't parody The Exorcist."

**  
**"Sagara-san!" Tomoyo hissed.

"Sakagami-san," Sagara Misae told her admirer, "You must defeat me in order to truly be the strongest Student Council President in the world."

"Nyan," Shima the cat appended.

**  
**"Oneechan!" Fuko yelped.

Ibuki Kouko looked around her. "There's no one here," she considered aloud.

**  
**"Miyazawa-san!" Nagisa wept at that last scene. "This is cruel of you!"

"Life is cruel," Yukine replied. "Key is especially cruel. The Clannad scriptwriters taught me that lesson very well."

"That's not true!" Nagisa protested. "Life is happy! The bad things never last for long!"

"Neither do the good things."

"The person who thinks only of how short things last is silly!"

Yukine's cheeks reddened. "What do you mean?"

"You don't cherish things because they last a long time," Nagisa declared. "You love them because they are important to you!"

Yukine actually fell back in shock.

**  
**"Nagisa-chan is right," the crybaby Sanae realized. "What is important to me isn't my bread… it's my family!"

"Sanae!" Akio wept in admiration.

**  
**"Oniichan is important to me!" Mei thought aloud. "He is my one and only oniichan! What I think of him and feel for him will never change!"

Sunohara wept. "Mei… I'm ashamed to be your brother…"

"… That was the real oniichan? Scary…"

**  
**"It's the same for me," Kyou agreed. "Not only Tomoya… but also you, Ryou!"

"Oneechan!"

"We'll save Tomoya together!"

"H-haii!"

**  
**"That beautiful World that Otousan and Okasan found… I want to see it!" Rings of white light appeared within Kotomi's pupils. "Gate! Open!"

Hastur burst out of the Gate that Kotomi opened, and promptly ate the Invader.

**  
**"Sheo," Ayane growled.

"**What?"**

**  
**"(Fumoffu!)" Tomoyo called out as she unleashed Inazuma Kick against Misae.

"Ugh…"

Misae collapsed. Tomoyo took off her Bonta-kun helmet and ran to the fallen dorm mother's side in worry. "Sagara-san!"

"Go, Sakagami-san. Don't worry about me. Save the one you love."

"… Thank you. I won't let you down!"

As Tomoyo raced off, Misae hugged Shima. "A cat is fine, too…"

"Nyan!"

**  
**"I will keep working hard for Oneechan's wedding!" Fuko swore.

"Ah, Fuko-chan," Kouko sheepishly said, now being able to see her little sister's spirit, "I'm already married…"

**  
**"This is a shounen manga's surprise turnaround," Tomoya observed.

**  
**"Now it's time to kick your ass!" Kyou told Yukine.

Kotomi brought out a fire truck crimson Shinsei Industries VF-19 Kai 'Fire Valkyrie' Nekki Basara Custom + Sound Booster System FAST Packs. "Minna... listen to... my song..."

Kyou, Ryou and even Tomoyo fairly panicked. "No! Kotomi! You don't have to!"

Both of You, Dance Like You Want To Win issued from Kotomi's instrument (of doom), giving +5 bonus to initiative rolls and a hundred percent boost in movement speed-

"It works?"

"Why is her guitar capable of playing the piano, violin, trumpets and drums in that piece?"

"I heard that before back when I watched Evangelion..."

-to **everyone**, including Yukine.

"Arigatou, Ichinose-san."

"Domo."

"I knew there was a catch." But Kyou would take her chances. "Tomoyo!"

"Roger!"

The two jumped into the sky to drop down like greased lightning towards Yukine.

"UNISON KICK!!"

Yukine blocked with an AT Field, but she was pushed back steadily.

Meanwhile, Ryou drew out a card from her deck. "I summon the strongest monster ever!"

A ball of brown fluff sporting gooey blue eyes popped out before Yukine.

"Kuriboh?" Kyou exclaimed while she and Tomoyo continued to drive into Yukine's barrier.

Yukine sneezed, shivered and scratched herself like crazy. Her AT Field wavered.

"She's allergic to fur?"

"Good one, Ryou!"

"Fuko! Finish her off!"

"Fuko! Here!"

Starfish-shaped SFX danced about Fuko– and promptly put her in a happy high.

"Fuko!" Kyou yelled. "Snap out of it and get it done!"

Tomoya helpfully made towards the dazed Fuko with a carton of fruit milk.

"Tomoya!" Nagisa scolded.

Fuko snapped out of her trance. "Ah! Okazaki-san was going to do something mean to Fuko again! You are petit horrible!"

"Again with the petit horrible? You're supposed to say 'I am' instead of 'petit', remember?"

"Right! I am horrible!" Then: "Wait! That makes **me** horrible!"

"Tomoya!" Nagisa scolded.

Fuko shook herself like a dripping dog to clear her head. "Ah! Anyway, it's time for Fuko to use her true final finishing attack!"

She held up a wooden starfish sculpture above her head. It glowed with the seven colors of the rainbow. Watching epileptics entered seizures.

"Urutimeitoh!"

She twirled in place. Too hard; she nearly toppled.

"Sutaapishu!"

Fuko brought the starfish sculpture before her.

"Ataaku!"

A gigantic pink flying starfish of doom leapt at Yukino.

Kyou and Tomoyo jumped out of its way. The AT Field shattered.

Yukine flinched. She found Nagisa before her.

Nagisa hugged her.

"F-Furukawa-san?"

"You don't have to be lonely anymore, Miyazawa-san." Nagisa held Yukine's hands. "We can share Tomoya, can't we?"

A protracted silence crashed upon the other girls.

"Damn it, Sheo!" Kyou yelled. "What's with the harem ending?"

"Furukawa-san," Yukine sniffled.

"Miyazawa-san," Nagisa returned.

"Yuri as well?" Kyou grimaced. "How random can this get?"

**  
**A Fjord 1 passenger ferry sails down a river.

**  
**"Nice boat," Tomoya commented.

"Tomoya!"

**  
**Ito Makoto wails as Enma Ai rows her boat to Jigoku where Zaraki Kenpachi and the 11th Division are waiting to beat down on him while waiting for the next installment of the Author's 300 fic.

**  
**"Sheo!"

**  
**"Superior boat is superior," Tomoya offered.

Sighing, Tomoyo and Kyou exchanged knowing looks.

"Wanna make out?"

"Sure."

**  
**A depressed Kappei sulked. "I didn't get to do anything…"

**  
THE END**


End file.
